I really hate writing a bio, it always sounds so lame. The fact is, even if I were to share every detail of my life, you still wouldn’t know anything about me. I look totally different on paper. I look quite respectable and grown-up. Well, I suppose that isn’t totally inaccurate. I am respectable, and unfortunately I am a grown-up, but I am a big believer in enjoying every second of every minute of every day, and I do it with flair (and occasionally jazz hands)!
Also, I have to admit that I have lost respect for some authors after reading their bios…seriously, if you’re going to wave the dork flag so proudly, you have to expect a little fallout.
So, without further ado, here is my bio…with flair.
I am the 264 year old surrogate mother to a flock of seagulls, an actual flock of birds, not the new wave band from the 80’s. I joined a travelling carnival at the age of eleven, successfully disguising my gender, and serving as an apprentice to the strongman. When my pectoral muscles began to develop at a faster rate than my biceps, I ran away to join with a group of nomadic fortune tellers.
After a few years of living the nomadic lifestyle, I grew tired of the constant travel and decided it was time to move on…which is a bit ironic I suppose.
At that point, I hacked into the department of student services to enroll myself at the Wharton School of Business. Naturally, I awarded myself a full fellowship as well as a stipend for living expenses. I completed the MBA/JD Program at the top of my class in only one year.
After graduating, I took the next seven years off to tour the world in a hot air balloon with six baboons and two llamas. As a side note: baboons and llamas do NOT get along.
I ended my balloon trip in Canada where I was accepted into the Royal Canadian Mountie training program in Saskatchewan. However, I quit the program shortly after beginning because I looked like a complete tool in the uniform. I got my happy ass out of Canada and headed back to the United States.
I moved from state to state, having an exact replica of each tattooed on the bottom of my foot before moving on to the next. Finally, I ended up in the glorious state of Louisiana where I met the man of my dreams and settled down in da bayou to build a nest and raise the best damn flock of seagulls the world would ever know.
Oh, and I wrote a book too.