My Pithy Epiphany

People Suck Ass…

I was going to indulge in a psycho rant, but then I started typing and I thought, eh, fuck it.

So, yeah, I changed my mind about that whole ranting thing, but since I’m here I might as well do something, right? Soooooo, I decided to share a quote that makes me laugh and consequently keeps me from psycho ranting. That, my friends, is some serious circular logic that I just threw at you.

Actually, this might come off as being kind of arrogant, since it’s my own quote. Hmmmm…oh well, again I say, fuck it. ‘Cause that’s just the kind of classy gal I am. ūüėČ

Now, I’m all nervous, like I’ve built it up too much…it’s not like I’ve discovered an at-home method of cold fusion technology using an empty two-liter bottle and a used Slurpee machine. That – would be impressive. This, however, is just a tiny excerpt from a phone conversation between James and Cecelia that makes me laugh.

EXCERPT:

‚ÄúDid you do-him-dirty, Celie,‚ÄĚ he asked quietly. He sounded so serious that my thoughts began to tumble wildly as I searched for a logical explanation for what had happened. I should have known he was faking, I mean, it was James after all. ‚ÄúYou are really making up for lost time, aren‚Äôt you? For three years you lived like a nun, and then suddenly your vagina is getting more play than a Taylor Swift album at the junior high dance.‚ÄĚ

‚ÄúOh my God James, how can you say that? Taylor Swift is way more popular than my vagina,‚ÄĚ I said with mock sincerity. A smug smile was plastered on my face as I listened to James howl with laughter.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Author’s Note: The previous excerpt is written solely with the intent to entertain the reader, it is in no way indicative of my thoughts about, or feelings toward Taylor Swift, junior high dances, or anyone’s vagina. It is merely a mildly humorous anecdote that pokes fun at pop culture…and vaginas.

Amazon May Think I’m Cheap, But I’m Not Giving It Up For Free!

Screw you Amazon, nobody calls me cheap and gets away with it…I’m classy, dammit!

You know, I have put up with quite a bit from Amazon without complaining. I’m a pretty easy-going gal, ¬†I tend to take most things in stride. So when my ranking goes from 50,000, or so, to 250,000…I shrugged my shoulders and kept plugging away. When Amazon refused to post several reviews from people who genuinely read and loved my book, I muttered a few choice remarks about ‘Big Brother’ and whatnot, but I have too much on my plate already…so I let it go.

Your ranking doesn’t mean jack, you bastards! I’m way too awesome for your crap scale anyway.

This, however, is beyond comprehension…and I’m not taking it lying down, or bent over. Why do I bother to set a price for my book when, without my knowledge or permission, the marketing geniuses at Amazon offer at a 67% ¬†discount.

Am I not even worth a measly $2.99? People pay more for a freaking Happy Meal!

Okay, it’s not going to win the Pulitzer or anything, but the grammar is impeccable (this time) and it is positively ¬†lousy with literary devices. Not to mention the plot; seriously, the plot is crazy good…I promise, I designed it myself. Oh well, screw it…if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

For a limited time only (I have no idea how limited), buy Control for only $.99!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*God, I feel dirty.

My Review of The Ameriad: The Untold Founding of America By the Survivors of Troy

The Ameriad: The Untold Founding of America By the Survivors of TroyThe Ameriad: The Untold Founding of America By the Survivors of Troy by Duane Gundrum
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The Ameriad: The Untold Founding of America By the Survivors of Troy is a satirical comedy told in the style of a Greek Epic.

The comedy, in my opinion, was fantastic; produced mainly by the inclusion of modern speech and ideas while writing a very authentic sounding epic tale of Greek wars, heroes, and gods. The effect was reminiscent of classic comedy dialogue such as Monty Python and in some instances Mel Brooks.

Conceptually speaking, this book should have been somewhat difficult to pull off. However, the author’s combination of impeccable writing skill and the use of some truly imaginative symbolism…not to mention the copious amount of dry wit, helped to create a story that was enjoyable without being preachy.

There were a few points in the story where I struggled because it seemed to drag a bit, mainly in the first third of the book. I think that it was mainly due to the structure; there seemed to be a significant amount of interest around ‘The Pillars’ that I didn’t grasp at the time. The symbolism was a little vague and it was only after reading further into the journey of Amerius that I had the Aha moment where I then understood what The Pillars represented.

In all honesty, I must admit that I don’t typically read satires, but the writing and humor in The Ameriad, is truly top notch and I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys the Monty Python comedy style.

**I received a free copy of this book in exchange for a non-reciprocal review.**

View all my reviews

Goodreads Detox…

I am a dirty Goodreads whore. A dirty, dirty, Goodreads whore. 

The Goodreads server has been down for several hours now, and if I don’t get a fix soon, I am going to start having DTs (Delirium¬†Tremens). I just need to write a little review, and maybe check out what’s happening in a couple of groups. That’s all, I swear!¬†

If only I could see all of those little thumbnail cover images, just for a second! I promise I won’t lick my computer screen when I see a particularly drool-worthy torso on a cover…well, I won’t do it again, anyway.¬†

I NEED a socially acceptable site where I can stare at beautiful, shirtless men, and objectify them under the auspices of professional networking! You can’t do that just anywhere, you know!

I am a dirty Goodreads whore. I wonder when the hallucinations are going to start…

Instead of snake or spider hallucinations, I am afraid that I might be attacked by comma splices or (God forbid) hanging participles. ¬†Hanging participles are nasty bitches…

Then again, maybe I shouldn’t worry too much about hanging participles or their classier cousin, the dangling modifier. They’re all about objects and I’m pretty sure I’m a subject.¬†

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT GOODREADS?!?

Well, I guess I could go work on the second book in my series. Yeah, that’s probably much safer than offering up gratuitous sex for a Goodreads fix. Okay, well, I’m off then…good talk.¬†

I Am Trendsetter, Hear Me Roar.

After a few weeks of offering anything short of gratuitous sex in order to market my book, I have realized something. It’s not a completely new revelation, I guess in a way I knew it already.¬†

So…

Well, my grand revelation is that my book simply does not fit it with other books. It is the social outcast of the Paranormal Romance genre. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t the geeky social outcast, that gets beat up at recess. No…my book would totally kick your book’s ass in a fight.

Don’t test that theory, bitches.

My book is the social outcast that is so cool that all of the other books are a little afraid of standing in next to it. You know, like how ugly girls try not to stand too close to the pretty girls, because they might look extra ugly. Fugly.

The problem is, my book didn’t ask to be the pretty, bad-ass, book that she is (yes, she is a she). She isn’t a bitch, she is just misunderstood. Not anymore though, she is tired of being misunderstood.

It is time for her to come clean…she isn’t a Paranormal Romance. We have considered the possibility for a while and now she wants to admit it. ¬†Not just admit it, she wants to come off the bookshelf and shout it out to the world.

I am not a Paranormal Romance, dammit! 

Unfortunately, we still have a bit of a problem. What the hell is she?

There is, without a doubt, a paranormal component. Oh, she has romance, she is practically oozing that shit! There is more to her though, much more…she has comedy, that’s it! She’s damn funny! I’m not talking about little sarcastic comments or snarky remarks that are sprinkled in for flavor. No, it’s more than the¬†occasional¬†chuckle. ¬†It is Comedy!

I see what I have to do now, I’m just sorry that it hasn’t been done before now. I have to create a new genre:

She is the first (as far as you know) Paranormal Romantic Comedy

Yep, I always knew I was a trendsetter…

Parameters for Paranormal Romantic Comedies: 
1. Must be characterized as Romance (plot is about romantic relationship)NOT Chick-Lit (plot is about MCs issues, of which romance plays a small part) . 
2. Must have a genuine element of Comedy (not just a bit of snark or sarcasm sprinkled in for flavor) 
3. Must contain a plot line that involves a Paranormal event (if you don’t know, you have taken a wrong turn somewhere)

So to celebrate, or rather, to embrace the creation of a new genre, I have created a new group on Goodreads. Now, all of those other books that have been incorrectly tucked away on the overcrowded PNR shelves can finally stand up and shout out to the world,

“I will not be contained in only two literary classifications! I am a Paranormal Romantic Comedy, hear me ROAR!”

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Don’t be shy, join us…find out what you have been missing! Click the Image to join my new group on Goodreads, Paranormal Romantic Comedies. You’ll be glad that you did!